2003

I found my last triathlon shirt. I can't find any of my race t-shirts, which bums me out because there haven't been that many- anyway, I was stunned, simply stunned to see the year was 2003! wtf? It has been six years? Where the hell have I been? That is so sad. I just signed up the whole family for a 4 mile race. Yes, it would be better if we were doing the half or yes, the whole marathon, but seeing how my family now averages a good 4 block walk/bike or long board as the extent of their physical activity daily, I decided to ease us all back into the life.

My weight is fluctuating- not too badly, but seems the PCOS that I refuse to acknowledge as a real condition that I have, has flared up once again. This causes some side effects that are unpleasant, and that leads me to less working out and more eating. I am trying very hard to keep it on track. And I just ordered the Wii Active. Hope it is good.

And did this girl rock it?

Ahh... simple control

Down 12lbs. Nice. Discovered I really like bike riding. Decided I need to go explore more during the day and that I am seriously bored and unfulfilled not working. Torn between wanting to work and wanting to always be available to my kids. Re-reading the four agreements. All good.

Yep. It does suck.

Lately I have had a couple people comment on how it is a shame to see me still struggling with my weight after all these years. I totally agree. One person commented on how I seem to be an all or nothing person and it is so true. The most irritating thing about my situation is that I can easily recognize all the bad behavior and the repeated bad habits and the emotional and psychological motivations as well as the physical weaknesses that keep me in this struggle. Unfortunately, pinpointing the reason is only part of conquering any problem, and I continue to fall short on the other parts.

The good news? I have reached a new mental place with my weight loss efforts and it seems to be working so far. I am down 9lbs and haven't been doing any crazy diets or challenges. I am back to cutting my portion sizes and watching my daily calories. I have added physical activity into my life in places it wasn't before and I am back into working out, slowly.

My mind shift is probably what I have been needing in order to make this work, because I am totally someone who has always lived life by making immediate choices and then just dealing with the consequences after. In my current mindset, I am more into how I will feel later and more into planning the future. I am also finally tired of not doing what I say I am going to do, rather than feeling guilty and bad that I am fat.

Losing weight and housecleaning have always been my indicators of how I am feeling overall. I do them both the same most of the time. When I am feeling good and happy with myself and life and my fibro is under control- I clean really well and then I keep it up with daily upkeep. When I am feeling tired or ill, I let the house go until it really is messy and I am stressed by it and then I go balls to the walls and clean until I am a sweaty mess and the house is shining-but then I tend to let it slide again. Same with my weight- I get to a certain size and I get angry and frustrated enough with feeling uncomfortable and my clothing not fitting right and so I go to some extreme and lose just enough that those feelings start going away and boom- I start slipping again. It sucks to be someone who can manage so many things in my life and others, but allows herself to acknowledge this but keep doing it.

I believe I have come to a place mentally that will allow this to happen for me the right way. I feel good about it this time and I feel like I have finally conquered the mental, emotional and physical pieces that needed to be.

My weight loss goal is to lose 39lbs by July 22nd, 2009.